January, February, March and on to April

Yes, I know. It's been three months since the last time I opened a "peephole" into my life. Three months. A quarter of a year ... a quarter of the now one year since Tom passed into the presence of the Lord. I would look at the last post and think "I really need to post an update..." but either I couldn't think of anything to share, or there was too much to share to be able to "focus" on anything ... or I just couldn't find the wherewithal to get the job done. So, for those of you who don't have many other ways to know what has been going on with me, I'll try to give you a very brief synopsis.

JANUARY:  Having gotten through Christmas, I fell into a deep pit in January. I felt that the only thing I had to look forward to after Christmas was three bleak winter months (with little snowfall to make it clean and pretty) to dwell on the fact that these same three months a year ago were the most painful, chaotic, confusing, and heartbreaking of any time in my life. I couldn't bring myself to put Christmas away, I was very stressed with helping my son through a difficult time in his life, and I began to have physical symptoms that were scary, too. Slowly I began to realize that I was in trouble. I was having panic attacks. I was unable to reason coherently. And I was no longer able to judge what was reality and what was confusion and fear. After seeking the counsel a close and trusted friend I went to see my physician.  She immediately doubled my anti-depressant medication and recommended I seek counseling - something I had been avoiding and hadn't felt the need for until then. I did see a counselor for about 4 sessions, but by then the medication had stabilized me and I was feeling 100% better and able to be in control and move on. Things had begun to improve at home and as I felt better, I was able to be more of the parent and support that my sons needed as well, which helped them to be more secure and confident in their personal lives.

FEBRUARY:  I felt alive again! Ready to put the past behind me and look ahead. I found a friend with accounting experience who was willing to come and help me get my bookkeeping mess cleared up and my checking account balanced for the entire year of 2010 so I'd be ready to file taxes (which I still have not done...hello, April!). That took a tremendous weight off my shoulders and lightened the load as well as giving me some precious hours of time with my friend. I "redecorated" my bedroom... well I "recolored" it, anyway, changed the color scheme, purchased new linens, new wall decorations, etc. I love my retreat now! And then, in mid-February, I began hearing the Lord calling me to join a team from my church who were going to Argentina & Chile to bring the message of the Father's Heart and the Healing of Life's Hurts to the people there. The team was to leave on the exact date of the one year anniversary of Tom's death - I just didn't think I could be gone then - and with my two boys both in school, too, but the Holy Spirit kept insisting that I was to go and reassuring me that He would work out the details, and so I committed myself to the trip and started preparing to go!

MARCH: The first 10 days of March were very busy with the end of wrestling season, shopping and packing for my trip, and trying to plan and prepare everything needed for my boys, their school needs, our home and finances, etc.  On Sunday, March 11th, I went to church, packed and ready to go! The team was prayed for by the church and after church, we went straight to the airport. I had never been on a mission trip out of the country, I had never been out of the country at all (except to Canada). This was a huge stretch for me. I don't speak any Spanish, and I'm not very good in groups or new situations.  Needless to say, I had to rely entirely on the Lord for the next two weeks!  12:02 AM CST, MARCH 12, 2012 - one year since Tom breathed his last labored breath - I was in the air somewhere over the Atlantic ocean and sound asleep, surrounded by my dearest friends and the peace of God! We spent 12 very busy and fruitful days ministering and praying for people in Argentina and Chile, filled with the Holy Spirit and His power to set the captives free! I returned home just in time to attend my son's wrestling banquet, have my family all over to celebrate my youngest son's 14th birthday, get back to the business of being mom, homemaker and all the other titles/tasks that fall to me alone these days, and finished off the month with a women's conference at my church last night and today! Life is full ... but it is good! Good to be alive. Good to be growing in the knowledge and love of God. Good to have hope and be looking forward to the future again!

And so, as we head into April, I continue to look ahead - toward some things out of necessity, others with anticipation and expectation. This year, Easter and my birthday fall on the same day. I feel that there is a prophetic proclamation in that convergence. As I begin my 59th year, He is indeed risen - resurrected in my heart and in my life! He makes all things new ... that is His promise to me, personally, and to each of us who will receive Him! I've been coming to a fuller understanding of that word, "receive". It is our willingness to receive what He offers, that moves the theoretical truth into experiential reality!  I want to be a "receiver" of all that He has provided for me!

Looking Back ... Looking Ahead

As I sit here this morning seeing the "year in pictures" posted by others, and reflecting on the year past, my heart is heavy. My year in pictures would include the last few months of my dear husband's life ... as the cancer took him from us. It wouldn't be pretty.  I follow the lives of others who are on this same journey of loss and grief.

One is a few months behind me on this journey. She is realizing that the "life"  she has been living as only been "Performance Living". I know what she is feeling. The performance of the daily routines, the "dires", the "illusion of being o.k." ... yeah, me too. The exhaustion, the lack of motivation and interest, the "deadness" of true life ... yeah, me too. Most evenings find me putting on p.j.'s and crawling in bed as soon as supper is over and the morning coffee is set up.  

One is a few months further down the road; having just passed the "one year" marker. Following her as she approached that day ... and as she now moves forward has reminded me that the darkest hour is just before dawn. She is putting the year "away" and moving forward "Considering Life". I'm encouraged that, when I pass that "one year marker", I, too, may be able to move forward. Right now each point I've passed through is still sitting in piles and boxes, waiting to be put "away". Tom's possessions and memorials. My son's graduation from high school. My step-son's wedding. Christmas.

I haven't taken down and packed away the beauty of the Christmas season, because, once I do, all I have left is the brown and gray of winter, minus the blanket of snow that didn't come this year ... and the memories of the darkest and most painful days of the last year. 

As this year draws to a close, I want to look ahead ... to plan a "New Year". I listen to the beautiful music and download "The Daily Draft" from Ann Voskamp's Blog A Holy Experience. I note that under "The Definites", she includes "workout" (I haven't done this since October... I need to begin a New Year of workout), "food log" (I have to remind myself that food is necessary. I have to start to plan meals ... for myself and my boys), and "water" (yes, I've forgotten about water, too; getting dehydrated - the only water being in the coffee I consume daily to keep going). She also reminds me of these "dires": prayer, the Word, and seeing the Gifts He gives me every day. I download her app to record "1000 Gifts" for my phone and I take my first photo this morning. Being thankful ... seeing His Gifts ... Light in the darkness.

One more Gift that I am so thankful for today ... these ladies! They are very important parts of my "grief support group". And through them, I've been connected to so many others and resources that God has been using to heal me and lead me on!  

As I've written this, light snow fell and scattered glistening white hope over the brown ground outside my window, and rays of sunlight are beginning to overcome the gray skies above.  I receive this Gift, too ... hope of a New Year Life!

The BEST Christmas Ever

"What did you get for Christmas?" 

"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son..."

This year, I got the BEST Christmas Gift Ever ... the Gift of GIVING. 


I didn't "stick to the budget" ... and I learned that God didn't "budget" what He was willing to Give that First Christmas.


I didn't give gifts according to what was "deserved" or "earned" or "expected" ... and I demonstrated that God's Gift was undeserved, can't be earned and isn't what we expected!


I spent more than I "should have" ... but I learned that all love is sacrificial and "worth" whatever it costs. 

"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son..."

I got the Gift of Giving! What did YOU get for Christmas? 

 

The Best Gifts Under the Tree

Last Christmas, we knew it might be his last Christmas with us. It had only been two months since we found out that he had an inoperable, grade 4 brain tumor. By Christmas, he had already undergone radiation therapy and his first round of chemotherapy. He was tired and slept most of the time. Family gathered and we took family pictures one last time ... with his cherished granddaughter on his lap and the one yet unborn, never to be held, also close to him as his daughter stood strong behind her father. Not yet having proposed, his oldest son stood with the woman his father had encouraged him "not to let go" of ... his future daughter-in-law, while the boys trying so hard to believe that their dad wouldn't be leaving them soon stood behind the mother/wife they would soon have to walk through the darkest of valleys with. 

It's been 9 months and two days since he left us to worship before the throne of his beloved. That is where I see him now; and this past Sunday, our King allowed us to stand hand in hand before Him in worship! I felt the presence of both my husband by my side and our precious savior and Lord before us!

This Christmas, the BEST gifts are under our tree! The Savior who humbled himself, gave up every rich thing and position He had and deserved, and came to this world as a gift to us - to give Himself ... His very life ... so that we might have the Gift of Life eternal with Him.  He is the GIFT ... not what He did, that was just the doorway ... so that we could be one with Him forever! 

Christmas is different in our home this year. Yes, there will be some gifts, but there is much more awareness of  the most precious gifts ... Jesus and Family!

Wishing you the gifts of Jesus and Family this Christmas!

~ Jan

Various Trials

I have felt the need to post a follow-up to my previous post, just in case someone who isn't one of my regular followers would stop in to see what's going on with me ... so here goes!

After writing the entry about losing my tablet, I set off on my busy day with a heavy heart and tears spilling from  my eyes. I didn't honestly know if I was crying anymore from the loss, or from the conviction of what I had seen in my heart. I felt so out-of-control, that I called a dear friend and prayer warrior to pray for me so that I could go on. ... which she did ... and I did. 

Much later in the day, when I returned home, my son undertook to use my online account to track my tablet. Now, here's where it got confusing. I had lost a "Galaxy" tablet, but I also have a "Galaxy" phone! When we went to my Samsung account and tracked my "Galaxy", it kept locating it at my home address! Having repeatedly searched my house and car without any success, we thought it must be tracking my phone! So we "locked" the Galaxy that it was tracking so that it couldn't be used, and then tried to use my phone. My phone was not locked, so we concluded that it MUST be tracking my tablet - to my home! That kept bugging me, so the next time I had to put the dog out on her line, I thought I would check my car one more time (this being about the 4th time!). This time I looked under my driver's seat from the backseat (which I had already done), but instead of looking on the floor, I glanced up just a little bit and there was my tablet stuck on the black tubular framework for my seat, just below the cushion! 

It had never been lost at all, but it had been lost to me! Apart from my extreme relief and gratitude to the Lord, I had to ask "why did I have to go through that?" The answer came immediately. I needed to see what was in my heart! It was a "fiery trial". 

I've had several more of those "trials" in the weeks since that one. The day after it was found, my dog injured her eye running around our yard while the church youth group was raking leaves for us. It was 5 days before my step-son's wedding, and I spent hours (not to mention $'s) running her to the vet, an animal eye specialist (2X), and administering medicines 4X/day. At the same time I spent hours on the phone trying to straighten out a mess ordering a new range that had to be converted from Natural Gas to our LP! Then, there was the wedding which was beautiful but difficult doing without his father. Then, exhausted, the start of a new Bible Study group, major sports meeting at my son's school, and then the installation of the new range... and the accompanying crash. Oh! That's another story. Another one of those "why did this have to happen to me NOW?"

Last Tuesday, the man I had hired to convert and install the range arrived with his young adult son. My dog was on her line in the driveway and barking at them furiously. I went out to hold onto her and calm her while I thought they would walk around the cars and across the grass to the front door (as I have done hundreds of times before). But this time, these men felt uncomfortable walking on my grass and they approached coming up the driveway between the cars. As they did, my dog wrapped her cable around my right ankle and yanked my leg out from under me, crashing me down onto the cement, twisting and scraping and bruising me in multiple places and banging the back of my head against the back bumper of the my car, and landing on the (arthritic) thumb joint of my left hand. Today, a week later, I am still hurting.

I feel like the apostle Paul when he was relaying all of the trials he had endured, and he was only mentioning the "biggies" ... there have been so many others that I have been experiencing at the same time as these. Paul often spoke of his trials and sufferings. And his conclusions were all the same. Sufferings produce endurance, perseverance, purer faith, stronger confidence in the deliverance of God. 

"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed ... for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls." (1Peter 1:6-9)

Today, I am so thankful that my Father loves me enough to not let me stay in a place that is anything less than His best for me, and that He is there to strengthen me and carry me through any and every trial, difficulty, or suffering!

Loss, Guilt, and Forgiveness

I haven't written in more than a month. There are a lot of reasons, but I'm not going to explain or make excuses today. Today I'm reeling from another "loss" and am just feeling tired of "life".  Everything lately has been a struggle. If I shared the "everything" list, you would see that this is not a generalization or an exaggeration.  But I am so overwhelmed already that to start listing it all out would crush me. Trust me. I've had major issues with my house and property, appliances, utilities, finances ... I know it could be worse, but I'm just so tired of all the hassles and expenses and pressure! And, I'm tired of being so alone. 

Yesterday, in the midst of running around all day, wanting to just go home and crawl in bed and rest, but struggling with the needs and requests of my son, I lost my electronic tablet. I'm pretty sure it fell out of my car door in the parking lot of a Walmart store and I didn't notice it. To make it worse, I didn't realized it was gone for an hour. When I couldn't find it anywhere I realized what must have happened and called Walmart. It had not been turned in. I went back out there, looked around the parking area, went back in the store and checked again if it had been turned in. Nothing. Apparently, someone found it and took it. I filed a police report. That's all I could do.

It's just a "thing". It shouldn't destroy me, but it has. I'm a mess and I'm trying to understand why.

On the surface is guilt. I feel guilty for buying it just recently for myself in the first place. I feel guilty that I bought something other than an iPad. If I'd bought an iPad, I could have found it by now - at least that's what I'm being told. Then, I feel guilty for being so careless as to let it fall out in the first place and not notice it. I feel guilty for getting so upset when I realized it. I feel guilty for accusing and yelling at my son when I couldn't find it. And, I feel guilty for feeling guilty. I know I don't need to. I know I am forgiven. But I do.

The next issue is fear. The fact that it was found and not returned means it was stolen. And I feel like any victim of theft. I feel vulnerable and violated. My tablet contains a lot of personal information, all of my email, contacts info, and account information for numerous accounts. I don't know what may happen. Will they just find a way to clear it all out and reset it and use or sell it? Or will they be able to access my information and then what??? I'm afraid to post online or even write this! What can I safely do?

And then, there's anger. I'm angry with myself. I'm angry with the issues surrounding why my attention was distracted. I'm angry with the thief. I'm angry (yes) with God. I wasn't angry with God when my husband died. But I'm angry about this. (That's stupid, isn't it? I don't know why I'm reacting like this!) 

Which brings me back to guilt. True guilt. In trying to fill the void left when Tom died, I've allowed "the world and the things of the world" to take a place in my life that is wrong. I can justify it. Others would even say it's "okay" right now, because of my loss. But the Holy Spirit has been showing me otherwise. It's not okay. It's sin. It chokes out God's word in my life. It takes a place in my heart that belongs to Him alone. I heard the truth being spoken to my heart in the last few weeks. I was trying to respond ... to repent ... to change (with His help). But losing this "thing" and responding so violently to it has revealed what is truly in my heart ... and it's ugly. 

God's word says that we are to "confess our sins to one another so that we may be healed."  Friends, I have sinned. I have allowed the love of the world, they things of the world, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life (I John) to take over the place of God in my life. And I've seen it. And I'm so sorry. I repent. I do not want this in my heart anymore. Jesus is my Lord. He is all I need. He is all I want. 

As I've written this, my tears have stopped flowing, my heart has had the intense pain and pressure lifted, and I know that, in confessing my sin to you, and in your prayers for me, I can be healed ... and forgiven. 

New Directions Ahead

"You'll be so bored." That's what they told me 23 years ago when I quit working full-time. I've never forgotten those words. Why? Because I'm still waiting to be so bored that I can get some more of the things done that I can never find time for! Not only does my life life keep me busy, but, the older I get, the more things I find I want to do ... to say ... to be ... like blogging!

I've been struggling for years to keep journals - paper and cyber - and to be anything close to diligent and consistent with it! I've had a growing respect and awe for those busy ladies that I know who are able to blog daily, and I often wonder, "how do they do it?".  This blog is the closest I've ever gotten to consistency - and I'm still only managing 3 - 5 a month! I think about it daily ... I have lots of ideas of things that I want to write about and share ... I just can't "trap" each of them long enough to even note some "key words", let alone sit down long enough to develop it before my thoughts are moving on to the next thing, or I have to get some other "immediate" thing done - and before I know it, days and weeks have passed by and nothing's been written. 

When Tom was sick, I managed to update his CaringBridge page almost daily, and after he died, so many people said that I needed to keep writing. In the 6+ months since he passed away, I've been receiving daily emails from Grief Share, and one thing they often recommend is writing your thoughts and feelings down.  I read the blog of other recent widows and I hear their pain and struggle and know I am not alone. I so much want to share my life, my thoughts, my struggles and my blessings with others - with you - here! 

Over the past two years, I've seen God begin to make connections in my life. Connections that have led me to a wonderful group of women; several of which are currently struggling through the pain of loss as I am. And, through them, I've become acquainted with a marvelous women's ministry called Proverbs 31 Ministries, through which I am being introduced to many more women and am being daily encouraged and supported, and through which I have been hearing the Lord calling me to develop my writing abilities ... to blog ... to reach out to women through writing and to use the internet as a vehicle for His Kingdom.  I hope to continue to learn from these women, authors, speakers, prayer warriors, women in all walks of life, women who know the pain and confusion that we all pass through in this life and who have learned some of the "secrets" of the Kingdom through what they have experienced.  I pray that I will be discipled by them, trained by them, and someday be as sweet a reflection of my Heavenly Father as they are, and that Jesus will be able to use me and my words to bring hope and healing to other women.

Through these women, I've learned about a fun way to do Bible Study and am using the computer to have daily accountability - something I need right now to redevelop the habit of daily "quiet time" which slipped away from me slowly over the years. Starting this past Monday, we are studying the book of I John, and are meeting daily in a Facebook Group to share what we are learning and to let the group know that we have completed the study for the day. It only takes a few minutes a day, but I have already been blessed in ways I never imagined by doing just the first four verses - one verse a day! If you'd like to learn more about this, and jump on board, check it out on the Good Morning Girls home page!

Like I said ... there are so many things I'd like to share with you ... one day at a time, I guess!

So, if you see changes going on here, please know that I am slowly trying to develop this blog into something that you will want to come to daily ... some place that you will always find encouragement and water for your thirsty soul, as well as good resources for you to draw on for your own healing!  Please come back! Please pray for what God is doing in my life as I pray for what He wants to do in your life through me!