JOY ... ALL SPARKLING AND WHITE

Valentine's Day was two days ago ... 

So WHY am I writing about it now?

Especially because I have apparently not had anything to say here in almost seven months???

And, as a widow, shouldn't I just be saying "I'm so glad THAT day is OVER!"? I didn't receive any special card ... no flowers ... no jewelry ... no chocolate ... So wasn't it really a painfully, lonely day without my special love???

NO!!! I've had this burning in my heart and thoughts and reflected in the smile on my face for more than two days now ...

IT WAS THE BEST VALENTINE'S DAY EVER! I FELT SO LOVED ... SUCH JOY ... SO BLESSED ... CHERISHED ... ! I've been bursting to share it and, at the same time, wanting to keep it to myself so as not to diminish the GIFT in any way ... but I MUST SHARE IT WITH YOU!

Really. It was a day like any other; maybe even with more than the usual frustrations and complications. Another day to drag my teenage son reluctantly out of his warm bed and into a cold car earlier than usual on a winter morning after receiving a couple of inches of icy, sticky new snow ... the roads would be slippery and traffic would be slower than usual during our rush-hour commute the 14+ miles to his school and my return trip home again. I could have just seen all that as more trial and weight for me to bear alone on this special day ... but I've been learning to see with new eyes.

I've been immersing myself in Ann Voskamp's book and devotional, "One Thousand Gifts...". I've been learning to live "eucharisteo" - the life of giving thanks. I've been practicing looking with new eyes - really seeing. I'm learning that to be a Christian means to live in Christ - now, in this moment - no matter what this moment holds ... and to know that ALL is GIFT.

So, even in the rush of the day, complicated by the weather, His Gifts overwhelmed me ... 

A glittering, snow-encrusted wonderland ...

Getting him to school on time anyway ...

A normally 20 minute drive slowed in traffic to a crawl that gave me 40 extra minutes in the car to enjoy the glory around me...

Choosing a "back-road's detour" around the traffic on the county highway, and finding myself driving through the most breath-taking, beautiful, glorious land, filled with horse farms, majestic animals in the midst of all of His Splendor ...

Taking pictures out my car windows with the camera I keep in my purse ... on highway ... in my driveway ...

Trying to take in and record this joy I was being given ... the gifts I could finally SEE ... only to find that the camera can NEVER record what the eyes of the spirit see with the same glory!

Forty extra minutes to listen to the last chapter of the "One Thousand Gifts" book ... chapter 11, "The Joy of Intimacy" which begins "I fly to Paris and discover how to make love to God." and I realize that it is a perfect dove-tail with the chapter of the devotional book that I had read just that morning. And it was Valentine's Day. And I am His Bride. And I am not without a lover, but am held by Him who IS my lover and I am discovering His delight in me and am receiving this day ... this weather ... this time ... as His demonstration of that love - as His GIFTS to ME!

By the time I got home, I was wrapped in this glory ... this joy! I was experiencing JOY on a level new to me ... not a mental joy, but a deep, well of joy bubbling out of my innermost being! Isn't that what His word promises us, this joy, this LIFE bubbling up in us as a fountain ... so that we are no longer thirsty ... no longer weighed down by the world ... but free ... at rest ... nourished by the gifts He gives - our daily bread, manna? I'd sung the words about it, sought it, hungered for it, tried to mentally receive it because I believed in it ... but now I KNEW it ... received it within my spirit ... was fed by it ... carried by it! THIS is His KINGDOM COME! This is the kingdom that we are called to live in ... NOW! Not in "eternity". Eternity is NOW! In His presence is fullness of JOY ... fullness of  JOY is being in His presence! I literally "floated" through the rest of day! 

Later, I went in to have my nails "filled". I have terribly ugly hands. Swollen joints, fingers bent from arthritis. Thin, weak, peeling nails that cut into my water- and winter-dry skin and cause deep, throbbing, bleeding splits in my fingertips. I've envied the pretty, manicured hands of other women, and, at times, tried to make my own more acceptable by polishing and treating nails in the hope of some miraculous transformation. Mostly, I didn't, because I wanted to hide my ugly hands and not draw attention to them with painted nails. A few months ago though, I decided that it was wiser to just go have some type of artificial nail or procedure done to my nails to strengthen them and allow them to grow out without cutting into my skin and causing me to live with even more pain than the arthritis causes. So I went and had them "done" and now I have to "fill" them every few weeks as they grow out. At first I didn't add polish ... just left them looking as natural as possible. More recently, though, I decided to try using some of the polishes I had acquired at home. I'd polish and two days later, change the color and re-polish. On February 12th ... two days before Valentine's Day ... I chose a deep red. I didn't do a very professional looking job and the bright color made it only too obvious. On Valentine's Day, though, I went in for my over-due "fill" and decided to have them gel-polished. I love color ... all color ... and making a choice of polish color was difficult. Then I spotted a "sparkle" polish with very fine flecks of a rainbow of color - beautiful! I decided on that. Then I was told that I had to choose a solid color polish to go under it. There I was again ... how to choose??? Finally, I decided on white, with the sparkle on top. And so the "blood-red" came off and the sparkly-clean white went on. It's very pretty. Even on my ugly hands. The significance of that choice didn't hit me until the next day ... sparkly and white - the nails of a BRIDE! And, it didn't matter that my hands are still ugly, He sees me as HIS BRIDE ... and I am accepted in the BELOVED ... and HE had showered me with the GIFTS of the BRIDEGROOM - all white and sparkling this sunny, sparkling, snowy Valentine's Day!

 

Yes. It was the BEST VALENTINE'S DAY EVER!

"Down!"

Lying down means 

surrendering.

Giving up control.

Handing everything over 

including when -- or if -- or how -- 

to get up again.

- Saturdays with Stella

I've recently finished listening to the audio-book version of Wild at Heart by John Eldredge. I chose to listen to this because I have boys - boys who lost their dad 16-1/2 months ago, just before their 13th and 18th birthdays. Boys who are on a quest to know what it means to be a man. I learned so much from this book ... about men in general, my own father, my husband (and his father), about women in general, my own mother (and her mother), about myself, about God's intended purpose when He created "them, male and female He created them", and about the effect of sin on men and women and their identities ... but mostly, I could finally begin to understand my boys! 

I can see their journey to know themselves and to become "a man" so much clearer. They are both running ahead, full-speed, charging into that unknown place called "manhood". The other thing I learned from the book is this - masculinity cannot be imparted from femininity! It must be conferred by a man.  There is nothing I can do now, as a single mother, to teach my boys to be men! I might be able to help draw out their God-given masculinity through my femininity, but that is unknown territory for me right now, and very scary! You see, my feminine identity has also been changed by sin ... but that's another blog (and so, now, I'm listening to Captivating by John and Staci Eldredge, to begin my own journey of healing for my feminine wounds).

Concern for this journey of my sons' is the primary focus of my life right now. I am both encouraged to see that they continue to define their individual identities and scared to death where it may lead them! I am terrified that it is leading them away from God (who has promised to be a "father to the fatherless" and is the ONLY one who can impart the true sense of masculinity and identity that they seek) and that I will lose them, too. I pray for them, I plead that God will protect them, guide them, shield them, lead them, defend them, give them wisdom, etc. But I want to DO something. I feel like it is my RESPONSIBILITY to do something; after all, I am the only parent they have left! And yet, I don't know what I can do! Punish them for choices I don't like or don't think are wise? That's never been an answer. And, truthfully, I have very little power over either of them anymore. I feel like I've failed as a parent because of that...but deep inside me is a little voice that keeps saying "this is the way it should be, the way it is, it's time to let go".

Letting go has never been easy for me! I'm a first-born. I need to be in control! That's always been an issue for me and one God has already done a lot of work on, but I sense that there is a much deeper work beginning in me ... one that goes to the core of the wound of my heart! I'm only beginning to see the root issues and am no way ready to share it with you now, so I am listening to Captivating and trying to keep my external and internal world quiet enough to allow God to take me to the place where I can be healed and restored to the woman He created me to be. What that will look like, I have NO IDEA, and I am truly trembling to take the journey! 


After being in the valley of the shadow of death for so long, I'm beginning to feel the need to get up and go on ... pick up my bed and walk forward (as I said in my last post). I'm ready to start putting energy into that forward motion, to jump up and GO ... but now I hear the Lord saying "DOWN"! Didn't He just tell me to "pick up your bed and walk"? And now He's saying "down"? Is He contradicting Himself or am I somehow to do both at the same time? That's always been my dilemma with surrender - I can't just lay in my bed all day, day after day, and do nothing! Life has to go on ... I have to be doing something! I don't get it!

In her book, Saturdays with Stella, Allison K. Pittman shares a very clear picture of what the command "down" looks like, in the context of dog-training and in our lives. In her experience of trying to train Stella to obey the command "down", she had to literally knock her feet out from under her to get her from "sit" to "down"! And isn't that what happens at some time to all of us - we feel as if God has pulled our feet out from under us? Everything we had been standing on, building our life on, is suddenly removed? And haven't we all heard story after story about people who had to "hit bottom" before they turned to the Lord? To say that God does that to us seems at least cruel, if not evil, doesn't it? I thought that too. But now, I'm beginning to understand, that God loves me so much that He won't let me stand on any foundation that will only crumble in the end, other than the "sure foundation" He has given me in Jesus ... He won't let me cling to any "worthless treasure" as my source of security other than the true treasure of Himself!

"Down!" is a pose that intends to keep her in her place for a while -- still and ready for the next meaningful instruction.

Recently, I've come to understand that this internal pull to separate from the normal busyness of life, to quietly decline invitations to run here and there doing this and that, is my Father calling me to come away with Him for a time ... to "retreat" and be still and listening for His instruction. As Ms. Pittman points out, dogs have no sense of time, no picture of what the future looks like. There is only "now". Likewise, the master has infinitely more knowledge of what the future holds for the dog, and must be the one to give the commands ... to lead.  Again, we do not know what God has intended for our lives - apart from His word ... His commands. He has infinitely more knowledge and understanding of where we will find our true "selves". 


And so, He calls me to "down" ... to surrender ... to give up control of everything, including when -- or if ---how -- to get up again. 

And why not hand it over to the One who holds everything in His hand?

In the meantime, when I'm "Down!" -- face, feet, and belly on the floor -- I need to remember that God will lift me up in due time (see 1Peter 5:6). 

 For now, I remain "down" ... still ... quietly listening for instruction ... learning to let go.

Making your bed and lying in it ... or CARRYING IT?

Has anyone ever told you "you've made your bed, now you can lay in it"?  How about this one (or some version of it): "just pull yourself up by your bootstraps" or "get over it"? Maybe, even if no one has said any of those things to you directly, the thoughts play over and over in your mind, alternately defending and accusing you (Romans 2:15). It's one thing when your painful circumstances are a direct result of choices you know you made - then, guilt and shame and remorse scream these things at you keeping you mired in the mess and unable to move forward. But what about those circumstances that seem to have come out of "nowhere" ... weren't your choice or any consequence of choices you made, were unwanted and unchangeable? Most of us, at some point in life, have been handed painful circumstances of life that were much like the latter - unasked for, unwanted, and unchangeable. Our only real choice is what we will do about it. Maybe we find something that will just "dull the pain" or keep us too busy to notice the pain so that we can just "live with it", because in reality, we've lived with it for so long that we have become comfortable with it ... accepted it as our "identity" and don't have a clue who we would be without it. Some of us lay on our bed of affliction for a long time, waiting for someone to come by and do something or say something or give us something that will deliver us from the pain. After all, if there is truly nothing I can do about my pain myself, the answer must lie in the help of another, right? 

Jesus came upon such a person one day while in Jerusalem for a festival. At the pool near the Sheep Gate (Bethesda), he saw a man lying on a mat who had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. He asked the man a very important question, "Do you want to get well?" At first glance that seems like a "Duh!" kind of a question ... why else would he lay beside a pool in which he could become well if he were able to get into the water when it was "stirred"?  But Jesus was really asking him if he was willing to take responsibility for his own healing. 

His response was one of excuses, "Sir", the invalid replied, "I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me." He didn't answer the question! He made an excuse why it was impossible for him to be healed. It seems to be a genuinely honest response, doesn't it? And it seems harsh to call it any excuse, right?  

I've been thinking about this incident today. Many others were, apparently, being healed by stepping into the water. Undoubtedly, there were others who required help to get into the water and had people come along side them and help them. But this man was alone. We are not told what caused his disabilities, nor are we told why he is alone, but we can be sure that those things were not hidden from God or from Jesus' understanding. So, we must be as surprised as this man was when Jesus said to him, "Get up! Pick up your mat and walk!"  At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked. (See John 5:1-9)


This morning, while engaged in some mindless, routine activity, I heard the still, small voice of my Healer say to me "pick up your bed and walk". It was one of those odd thoughts that seemed to come out of nowhere, but it had the impact of the Word of God in my spirit. I instantly felt my weakness and apathy solidify into strength, motivation and direction. Like many others, I've wanted someone else to do SOMETHING ... ANYTHING ... to take away this painful circumstance and enable me to walk a new life with strength and purpose. I've wanted my healing to come in the same way I've seen others healed - by the efforts of others who come alongside and help me. But my reality has been that I am alone and unable to move myself to a place of healing. Today, I realized that what I've been "sensing" for myself is, in fact, God's will and word to me ... I have to accept that this "bed of affliction" is mine to carry with me, and in order to walk forward, I have to pick it up, and step forward. Jesus said it another way in Matthew 16:24, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me."  This seems like such a hard word; and it is. But it is Truth. And Jesus said, "you will know the truth and the truth will set you free" John 8:32. And, I had asked to know the truth!


I just want to make it clear to those who read this who also may be questioning what they are to do with the painful circumstances that they have been "dealt" that Jesus did NOT shout this out to every person laying around the pool of Bethesda. He spoke it to one man because that was what that one man needed to hear to be healed. God did NOT tell me to preach that this is the answer for your healing! He DID speak this word to ME because it is what I needed to hear! 

Blog Updates and Book Reviews

I've made a few updates on my blog as of today, and I just have a few things to say about them:

1.  I've added the picture behind my header of the birds on a branch. I have to make a disclaimer: this is NOT my photo. I got it online from someone else who got it on line from I don't know where. If this is your photo, I apologize and humbly ask your permission to use it on my blog. If you want credit, I'd be happy to add that information, too!

2.  I've update the "Books I'm Reading" section. Books move from one level of priority to another for me as I go through this journey. Some of these books I have not turned to in several weeks to months, but still intend to go back to soon. Some of them, I have not yet begun, but again, good intentions ... And a couple of them I am working my way through simultaneously.

"Heaven" by Randy Alcorn  is changing my theology, or my understanding of God's word. If you haven't read it, I think it is a "must read" for every thoughtful Christian, and even those who reject the Christian faith would find great insight and "enlightenment" from it!

I'm listening to an audiobook of "Wild at Heart" by John Eldredge after another widow friend asked how she could incorporate this into the lives of her sons after the death of their father. I had an idea, but am facing the same issues: how do I help my sons become "men" without their father? And on another level, I am asking myself  "what is God's design for a man?" So far (I'm about 40% through it as of today), I'm finding it extremely interesting and will be listening to "Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman/s Soul" by John and Stasi Eldredge as soon as I'm done!  I've discovered that, when my eyes are tired of staring at a computer screen, or Kindle, or when I am driving in the car, listening to a book being read by someone else is WONDERFUL!

"Saturdays with Stella" by Allison K. Pittman is a light, fun devotional for all you dog-lovers as she shares the lessons God taught her during her Saturday obedience training classes with Stella! I should say, "light reading", but "meat" for the soul! If you have a dog, have ever trained a dog - especially if you've done it in formal obedience classes - you'll love this book!

I haven't been doing much blogging lately, but it's COMING SOON! Watch for "Making your bed and lying in it ... or CARRYING IT?" 

Power

While going through my recent photos this morning, I came across this one and just couldn't get past it! It's not a terribly impressive photographic accomplishment. That's not what stopped me. I guess I'm what you'd call very "visual". It's the message I see in the image that stopped me...

First, a little history. Many years ago, my husband rented a bobcat and dug up this 4 foot wide "strip" across the width of our property to the west of our driveway. To the right is an area with 3 or 4 rows of young trees that we mow. To the left is a large area of "field" that we only mow a path around and one down the middle. This "strip" was to be our solution to a place to plant all the irises, day lilies, and hostas that we needed to divide from elsewhere.  On either side of this strip is a mowed area about 5 feet wide. At the same time we dug up a new 20' X 22' "garden" near this. But that's another story. Then, we had truckloads of topsoil brought in for both areas and spread it and cultivated it! We planted yellow and purple irises in a "W" pattern the whole length of it. That's as far as we got. Long story made short: the field next to it seeded and re-seeded and the creeping-everything crept in and before long it, too, was wild again. Every year we see less and less irises bloom. 

This year, while walking the yard one day, taking photos of all the untended, overgrown, "losses", I took this photo of the few blooms that were there. Today, struggling with depression, I was overtaken by the message  of hope in this picture! Do you see it?

There, in the midst of weeds and grass are those beautiful irises that were strong enough to break through all that threatened to choke them out and rise up and stand tall. But that is NOT the message either. It's what is above, in the background. Those are high intensity power lines that run over our property. It's always annoyed me that they have to be in every photo I take. I've even learned to ignore their almost constant "buzzing" sound and stand against the fear of "stray voltage". Today, I found such comfort and hope and encouragement in all of that! 

Those power lines represent the ever-constant presence and power of God in my life ... spanning the width of my days and all that it "mine". It is the never-ceasing flow of power that "over-shadows" my life, day and night. The presence of those lines is what has kept what is on the earth from growing up and blocking the flow of sunshine to what needs it to grow below. As much as I've disliked having the power company come in here and remove the trees growing below, I am now seeing that the Lord has given me a wonderful visual picture of the necessity to prune away and clear both the weed and the lovely from my life if it has the potential to interfere with the constant flow of power over my life! 

Just like I can hear the "buzzing" of the lines and almost feel the static electricity in the air the closer I get to those lines, I realize that the closer I walk with the Lord, the more I will sense His Power and Hear His Voice! 

I can look to the earth, and see a little beauty in the midst of the weeds and decay .... 

Or I can look UP to the Power that is over my life. 

I can choose to stay far away from the Power that can be sensed and fear what could happen if I come close ...

Or I can stand in the shadow of His Power and let Him fill me with life and energy and direction.

It's my choice.

And it's yours.

January, February, March and on to April

Yes, I know. It's been three months since the last time I opened a "peephole" into my life. Three months. A quarter of a year ... a quarter of the now one year since Tom passed into the presence of the Lord. I would look at the last post and think "I really need to post an update..." but either I couldn't think of anything to share, or there was too much to share to be able to "focus" on anything ... or I just couldn't find the wherewithal to get the job done. So, for those of you who don't have many other ways to know what has been going on with me, I'll try to give you a very brief synopsis.

JANUARY:  Having gotten through Christmas, I fell into a deep pit in January. I felt that the only thing I had to look forward to after Christmas was three bleak winter months (with little snowfall to make it clean and pretty) to dwell on the fact that these same three months a year ago were the most painful, chaotic, confusing, and heartbreaking of any time in my life. I couldn't bring myself to put Christmas away, I was very stressed with helping my son through a difficult time in his life, and I began to have physical symptoms that were scary, too. Slowly I began to realize that I was in trouble. I was having panic attacks. I was unable to reason coherently. And I was no longer able to judge what was reality and what was confusion and fear. After seeking the counsel a close and trusted friend I went to see my physician.  She immediately doubled my anti-depressant medication and recommended I seek counseling - something I had been avoiding and hadn't felt the need for until then. I did see a counselor for about 4 sessions, but by then the medication had stabilized me and I was feeling 100% better and able to be in control and move on. Things had begun to improve at home and as I felt better, I was able to be more of the parent and support that my sons needed as well, which helped them to be more secure and confident in their personal lives.

FEBRUARY:  I felt alive again! Ready to put the past behind me and look ahead. I found a friend with accounting experience who was willing to come and help me get my bookkeeping mess cleared up and my checking account balanced for the entire year of 2010 so I'd be ready to file taxes (which I still have not done...hello, April!). That took a tremendous weight off my shoulders and lightened the load as well as giving me some precious hours of time with my friend. I "redecorated" my bedroom... well I "recolored" it, anyway, changed the color scheme, purchased new linens, new wall decorations, etc. I love my retreat now! And then, in mid-February, I began hearing the Lord calling me to join a team from my church who were going to Argentina & Chile to bring the message of the Father's Heart and the Healing of Life's Hurts to the people there. The team was to leave on the exact date of the one year anniversary of Tom's death - I just didn't think I could be gone then - and with my two boys both in school, too, but the Holy Spirit kept insisting that I was to go and reassuring me that He would work out the details, and so I committed myself to the trip and started preparing to go!

MARCH: The first 10 days of March were very busy with the end of wrestling season, shopping and packing for my trip, and trying to plan and prepare everything needed for my boys, their school needs, our home and finances, etc.  On Sunday, March 11th, I went to church, packed and ready to go! The team was prayed for by the church and after church, we went straight to the airport. I had never been on a mission trip out of the country, I had never been out of the country at all (except to Canada). This was a huge stretch for me. I don't speak any Spanish, and I'm not very good in groups or new situations.  Needless to say, I had to rely entirely on the Lord for the next two weeks!  12:02 AM CST, MARCH 12, 2012 - one year since Tom breathed his last labored breath - I was in the air somewhere over the Atlantic ocean and sound asleep, surrounded by my dearest friends and the peace of God! We spent 12 very busy and fruitful days ministering and praying for people in Argentina and Chile, filled with the Holy Spirit and His power to set the captives free! I returned home just in time to attend my son's wrestling banquet, have my family all over to celebrate my youngest son's 14th birthday, get back to the business of being mom, homemaker and all the other titles/tasks that fall to me alone these days, and finished off the month with a women's conference at my church last night and today! Life is full ... but it is good! Good to be alive. Good to be growing in the knowledge and love of God. Good to have hope and be looking forward to the future again!

And so, as we head into April, I continue to look ahead - toward some things out of necessity, others with anticipation and expectation. This year, Easter and my birthday fall on the same day. I feel that there is a prophetic proclamation in that convergence. As I begin my 59th year, He is indeed risen - resurrected in my heart and in my life! He makes all things new ... that is His promise to me, personally, and to each of us who will receive Him! I've been coming to a fuller understanding of that word, "receive". It is our willingness to receive what He offers, that moves the theoretical truth into experiential reality!  I want to be a "receiver" of all that He has provided for me!

Looking Back ... Looking Ahead

As I sit here this morning seeing the "year in pictures" posted by others, and reflecting on the year past, my heart is heavy. My year in pictures would include the last few months of my dear husband's life ... as the cancer took him from us. It wouldn't be pretty.  I follow the lives of others who are on this same journey of loss and grief.

One is a few months behind me on this journey. She is realizing that the "life"  she has been living as only been "Performance Living". I know what she is feeling. The performance of the daily routines, the "dires", the "illusion of being o.k." ... yeah, me too. The exhaustion, the lack of motivation and interest, the "deadness" of true life ... yeah, me too. Most evenings find me putting on p.j.'s and crawling in bed as soon as supper is over and the morning coffee is set up.  

One is a few months further down the road; having just passed the "one year" marker. Following her as she approached that day ... and as she now moves forward has reminded me that the darkest hour is just before dawn. She is putting the year "away" and moving forward "Considering Life". I'm encouraged that, when I pass that "one year marker", I, too, may be able to move forward. Right now each point I've passed through is still sitting in piles and boxes, waiting to be put "away". Tom's possessions and memorials. My son's graduation from high school. My step-son's wedding. Christmas.

I haven't taken down and packed away the beauty of the Christmas season, because, once I do, all I have left is the brown and gray of winter, minus the blanket of snow that didn't come this year ... and the memories of the darkest and most painful days of the last year. 

As this year draws to a close, I want to look ahead ... to plan a "New Year". I listen to the beautiful music and download "The Daily Draft" from Ann Voskamp's Blog A Holy Experience. I note that under "The Definites", she includes "workout" (I haven't done this since October... I need to begin a New Year of workout), "food log" (I have to remind myself that food is necessary. I have to start to plan meals ... for myself and my boys), and "water" (yes, I've forgotten about water, too; getting dehydrated - the only water being in the coffee I consume daily to keep going). She also reminds me of these "dires": prayer, the Word, and seeing the Gifts He gives me every day. I download her app to record "1000 Gifts" for my phone and I take my first photo this morning. Being thankful ... seeing His Gifts ... Light in the darkness.

One more Gift that I am so thankful for today ... these ladies! They are very important parts of my "grief support group". And through them, I've been connected to so many others and resources that God has been using to heal me and lead me on!  

As I've written this, light snow fell and scattered glistening white hope over the brown ground outside my window, and rays of sunlight are beginning to overcome the gray skies above.  I receive this Gift, too ... hope of a New Year Life!

The BEST Christmas Ever

"What did you get for Christmas?" 

"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son..."

This year, I got the BEST Christmas Gift Ever ... the Gift of GIVING. 


I didn't "stick to the budget" ... and I learned that God didn't "budget" what He was willing to Give that First Christmas.


I didn't give gifts according to what was "deserved" or "earned" or "expected" ... and I demonstrated that God's Gift was undeserved, can't be earned and isn't what we expected!


I spent more than I "should have" ... but I learned that all love is sacrificial and "worth" whatever it costs. 

"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son..."

I got the Gift of Giving! What did YOU get for Christmas? 

 

The Best Gifts Under the Tree

Last Christmas, we knew it might be his last Christmas with us. It had only been two months since we found out that he had an inoperable, grade 4 brain tumor. By Christmas, he had already undergone radiation therapy and his first round of chemotherapy. He was tired and slept most of the time. Family gathered and we took family pictures one last time ... with his cherished granddaughter on his lap and the one yet unborn, never to be held, also close to him as his daughter stood strong behind her father. Not yet having proposed, his oldest son stood with the woman his father had encouraged him "not to let go" of ... his future daughter-in-law, while the boys trying so hard to believe that their dad wouldn't be leaving them soon stood behind the mother/wife they would soon have to walk through the darkest of valleys with. 

It's been 9 months and two days since he left us to worship before the throne of his beloved. That is where I see him now; and this past Sunday, our King allowed us to stand hand in hand before Him in worship! I felt the presence of both my husband by my side and our precious savior and Lord before us!

This Christmas, the BEST gifts are under our tree! The Savior who humbled himself, gave up every rich thing and position He had and deserved, and came to this world as a gift to us - to give Himself ... His very life ... so that we might have the Gift of Life eternal with Him.  He is the GIFT ... not what He did, that was just the doorway ... so that we could be one with Him forever! 

Christmas is different in our home this year. Yes, there will be some gifts, but there is much more awareness of  the most precious gifts ... Jesus and Family!

Wishing you the gifts of Jesus and Family this Christmas!

~ Jan

Various Trials

I have felt the need to post a follow-up to my previous post, just in case someone who isn't one of my regular followers would stop in to see what's going on with me ... so here goes!

After writing the entry about losing my tablet, I set off on my busy day with a heavy heart and tears spilling from  my eyes. I didn't honestly know if I was crying anymore from the loss, or from the conviction of what I had seen in my heart. I felt so out-of-control, that I called a dear friend and prayer warrior to pray for me so that I could go on. ... which she did ... and I did. 

Much later in the day, when I returned home, my son undertook to use my online account to track my tablet. Now, here's where it got confusing. I had lost a "Galaxy" tablet, but I also have a "Galaxy" phone! When we went to my Samsung account and tracked my "Galaxy", it kept locating it at my home address! Having repeatedly searched my house and car without any success, we thought it must be tracking my phone! So we "locked" the Galaxy that it was tracking so that it couldn't be used, and then tried to use my phone. My phone was not locked, so we concluded that it MUST be tracking my tablet - to my home! That kept bugging me, so the next time I had to put the dog out on her line, I thought I would check my car one more time (this being about the 4th time!). This time I looked under my driver's seat from the backseat (which I had already done), but instead of looking on the floor, I glanced up just a little bit and there was my tablet stuck on the black tubular framework for my seat, just below the cushion! 

It had never been lost at all, but it had been lost to me! Apart from my extreme relief and gratitude to the Lord, I had to ask "why did I have to go through that?" The answer came immediately. I needed to see what was in my heart! It was a "fiery trial". 

I've had several more of those "trials" in the weeks since that one. The day after it was found, my dog injured her eye running around our yard while the church youth group was raking leaves for us. It was 5 days before my step-son's wedding, and I spent hours (not to mention $'s) running her to the vet, an animal eye specialist (2X), and administering medicines 4X/day. At the same time I spent hours on the phone trying to straighten out a mess ordering a new range that had to be converted from Natural Gas to our LP! Then, there was the wedding which was beautiful but difficult doing without his father. Then, exhausted, the start of a new Bible Study group, major sports meeting at my son's school, and then the installation of the new range... and the accompanying crash. Oh! That's another story. Another one of those "why did this have to happen to me NOW?"

Last Tuesday, the man I had hired to convert and install the range arrived with his young adult son. My dog was on her line in the driveway and barking at them furiously. I went out to hold onto her and calm her while I thought they would walk around the cars and across the grass to the front door (as I have done hundreds of times before). But this time, these men felt uncomfortable walking on my grass and they approached coming up the driveway between the cars. As they did, my dog wrapped her cable around my right ankle and yanked my leg out from under me, crashing me down onto the cement, twisting and scraping and bruising me in multiple places and banging the back of my head against the back bumper of the my car, and landing on the (arthritic) thumb joint of my left hand. Today, a week later, I am still hurting.

I feel like the apostle Paul when he was relaying all of the trials he had endured, and he was only mentioning the "biggies" ... there have been so many others that I have been experiencing at the same time as these. Paul often spoke of his trials and sufferings. And his conclusions were all the same. Sufferings produce endurance, perseverance, purer faith, stronger confidence in the deliverance of God. 

"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed ... for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls." (1Peter 1:6-9)

Today, I am so thankful that my Father loves me enough to not let me stay in a place that is anything less than His best for me, and that He is there to strengthen me and carry me through any and every trial, difficulty, or suffering!

Loss, Guilt, and Forgiveness

I haven't written in more than a month. There are a lot of reasons, but I'm not going to explain or make excuses today. Today I'm reeling from another "loss" and am just feeling tired of "life".  Everything lately has been a struggle. If I shared the "everything" list, you would see that this is not a generalization or an exaggeration.  But I am so overwhelmed already that to start listing it all out would crush me. Trust me. I've had major issues with my house and property, appliances, utilities, finances ... I know it could be worse, but I'm just so tired of all the hassles and expenses and pressure! And, I'm tired of being so alone. 

Yesterday, in the midst of running around all day, wanting to just go home and crawl in bed and rest, but struggling with the needs and requests of my son, I lost my electronic tablet. I'm pretty sure it fell out of my car door in the parking lot of a Walmart store and I didn't notice it. To make it worse, I didn't realized it was gone for an hour. When I couldn't find it anywhere I realized what must have happened and called Walmart. It had not been turned in. I went back out there, looked around the parking area, went back in the store and checked again if it had been turned in. Nothing. Apparently, someone found it and took it. I filed a police report. That's all I could do.

It's just a "thing". It shouldn't destroy me, but it has. I'm a mess and I'm trying to understand why.

On the surface is guilt. I feel guilty for buying it just recently for myself in the first place. I feel guilty that I bought something other than an iPad. If I'd bought an iPad, I could have found it by now - at least that's what I'm being told. Then, I feel guilty for being so careless as to let it fall out in the first place and not notice it. I feel guilty for getting so upset when I realized it. I feel guilty for accusing and yelling at my son when I couldn't find it. And, I feel guilty for feeling guilty. I know I don't need to. I know I am forgiven. But I do.

The next issue is fear. The fact that it was found and not returned means it was stolen. And I feel like any victim of theft. I feel vulnerable and violated. My tablet contains a lot of personal information, all of my email, contacts info, and account information for numerous accounts. I don't know what may happen. Will they just find a way to clear it all out and reset it and use or sell it? Or will they be able to access my information and then what??? I'm afraid to post online or even write this! What can I safely do?

And then, there's anger. I'm angry with myself. I'm angry with the issues surrounding why my attention was distracted. I'm angry with the thief. I'm angry (yes) with God. I wasn't angry with God when my husband died. But I'm angry about this. (That's stupid, isn't it? I don't know why I'm reacting like this!) 

Which brings me back to guilt. True guilt. In trying to fill the void left when Tom died, I've allowed "the world and the things of the world" to take a place in my life that is wrong. I can justify it. Others would even say it's "okay" right now, because of my loss. But the Holy Spirit has been showing me otherwise. It's not okay. It's sin. It chokes out God's word in my life. It takes a place in my heart that belongs to Him alone. I heard the truth being spoken to my heart in the last few weeks. I was trying to respond ... to repent ... to change (with His help). But losing this "thing" and responding so violently to it has revealed what is truly in my heart ... and it's ugly. 

God's word says that we are to "confess our sins to one another so that we may be healed."  Friends, I have sinned. I have allowed the love of the world, they things of the world, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life (I John) to take over the place of God in my life. And I've seen it. And I'm so sorry. I repent. I do not want this in my heart anymore. Jesus is my Lord. He is all I need. He is all I want. 

As I've written this, my tears have stopped flowing, my heart has had the intense pain and pressure lifted, and I know that, in confessing my sin to you, and in your prayers for me, I can be healed ... and forgiven. 

New Directions Ahead

"You'll be so bored." That's what they told me 23 years ago when I quit working full-time. I've never forgotten those words. Why? Because I'm still waiting to be so bored that I can get some more of the things done that I can never find time for! Not only does my life life keep me busy, but, the older I get, the more things I find I want to do ... to say ... to be ... like blogging!

I've been struggling for years to keep journals - paper and cyber - and to be anything close to diligent and consistent with it! I've had a growing respect and awe for those busy ladies that I know who are able to blog daily, and I often wonder, "how do they do it?".  This blog is the closest I've ever gotten to consistency - and I'm still only managing 3 - 5 a month! I think about it daily ... I have lots of ideas of things that I want to write about and share ... I just can't "trap" each of them long enough to even note some "key words", let alone sit down long enough to develop it before my thoughts are moving on to the next thing, or I have to get some other "immediate" thing done - and before I know it, days and weeks have passed by and nothing's been written. 

When Tom was sick, I managed to update his CaringBridge page almost daily, and after he died, so many people said that I needed to keep writing. In the 6+ months since he passed away, I've been receiving daily emails from Grief Share, and one thing they often recommend is writing your thoughts and feelings down.  I read the blog of other recent widows and I hear their pain and struggle and know I am not alone. I so much want to share my life, my thoughts, my struggles and my blessings with others - with you - here! 

Over the past two years, I've seen God begin to make connections in my life. Connections that have led me to a wonderful group of women; several of which are currently struggling through the pain of loss as I am. And, through them, I've become acquainted with a marvelous women's ministry called Proverbs 31 Ministries, through which I am being introduced to many more women and am being daily encouraged and supported, and through which I have been hearing the Lord calling me to develop my writing abilities ... to blog ... to reach out to women through writing and to use the internet as a vehicle for His Kingdom.  I hope to continue to learn from these women, authors, speakers, prayer warriors, women in all walks of life, women who know the pain and confusion that we all pass through in this life and who have learned some of the "secrets" of the Kingdom through what they have experienced.  I pray that I will be discipled by them, trained by them, and someday be as sweet a reflection of my Heavenly Father as they are, and that Jesus will be able to use me and my words to bring hope and healing to other women.

Through these women, I've learned about a fun way to do Bible Study and am using the computer to have daily accountability - something I need right now to redevelop the habit of daily "quiet time" which slipped away from me slowly over the years. Starting this past Monday, we are studying the book of I John, and are meeting daily in a Facebook Group to share what we are learning and to let the group know that we have completed the study for the day. It only takes a few minutes a day, but I have already been blessed in ways I never imagined by doing just the first four verses - one verse a day! If you'd like to learn more about this, and jump on board, check it out on the Good Morning Girls home page!

Like I said ... there are so many things I'd like to share with you ... one day at a time, I guess!

So, if you see changes going on here, please know that I am slowly trying to develop this blog into something that you will want to come to daily ... some place that you will always find encouragement and water for your thirsty soul, as well as good resources for you to draw on for your own healing!  Please come back! Please pray for what God is doing in my life as I pray for what He wants to do in your life through me!

I Give Up!

You must, You must think I'm strong

To give me what I'm going through

Well, forgive me, forgive me if I'm wrong

But this looks like more than I can do on my own

I've said it many times ... "I give up!" Usually it is something that erupts from me when I am the most overwhelmed/frustrated/discouraged. It comes up from the bottom of the pit of me. When I've done/said/tried everything I know and nothing "works". 

I know I'm not strong enough to be

Everything that I'm suppose to be

I give up, I'm not strong enough

Sometimes, I even mean it. Usually, though, I "pick myself up" and try some more/harder/again ... only to find myself in another situation that feels the same (only the names and details have changed). That's when I might truly, give up.

Well maybe, maybe that's the point

To reach the point of giving up

'Cause when I'm finally, finally at rock bottom

Well, that's when I start looking up and reaching out

Actually give it UP to the Lord and realize that I CAN'T do it alone. That He has to do it for and in me or it isn't going to happen. That being "in control" is a lie ... I'm not in control of anything, except my own choice to believe that when I am weak, He is strong. 

'Cause I'm broken down to nothing

But I'm still holding on to the one thing

You are God and Your are strong

When I am weak.

I'm not strong. He is. I don't have to be because He is. He doesn't ask me to be. He is me strength. He has given me His strength. He will be strong for me; on my behalf.

I can do all things

Through Christ who gives me strength

And I don't have to be strong enough

Strong enough

In the past couple of weeks, I've been struggling. Struggling with depression. Loneliness. Overwhelming responsibilities. Parenting two teenage boys (oops! Excuse me! "young men") alone. I've found myself in the pit of despair. I've caught myself breathing those words - "I give up! I can't do this alone!" I've cried myself to sleep and stood with water pouring over me washing away my tears and my whispered sobs "God, please help me! I can't do this! Show me a way! Your way!"

Hands of mercy, won't You cover me?

Lord, right now I'm asking You to be

Strong enough, strong enough

Strong enough

- Lyrics from: 

Strong Enough

Matthew West

Markers and Milestones

For some time now I've been contemplating numbers and their significance in our lives as "milestones" and "markers". Our lives in this world are lived on a timeline and numbers are how we organize our present, our past and our future. Ask a woman who is counting down the days until her approaching wedding day ... or the birth of a baby. Look at a scrapbook filled with memories of the "milestones" of life.  We tend to use different terminology when referring to different kinds of significant moments or days in our lives. Is there a difference between a "milestone" or a "marker"? We celebrate "milestones". Birthdays, weddings, first days of school, graduations, significant accomplishments. But I'm beginning to think that we "mark" anticipation or loss, and each "step" closer to or farther away from such events. 

September 7, 1991

Today is a "milestone" day.  Twenty years ago today, Tom and I stood with his two children, my sister and his bothers, my niece and nephew, and numerous family and friends and pledged our love and our lives to each other. We spoke the vows we had each written for the other before his brother-in-law pronounced us "man and wife". We rejoiced that God had joined us together and we stood on His word that "a cord of three strands is not easily broken". We knew that we were not just two being bound together, but were being joined together with His Spirit and that would hold us together and see us through. We looked forward to spending the rest of our lives together. There were those who knew us well, who didn't think it would last. We were committed until "death do us part". The word "divorce" was not an option. I looked forward to this "milestone" ... 20 years ... it would say "God is faithful".  

And He is. Even though we didn't make it to this day together. God was faithful. He gave me a faithful man. He was committed to his Lord, and he was committed to me and to his family. He loved us and he showed it in every thing he did. He served us, he provided for us, he encouraged us when we needed it, and he rebuked, disciplined and corrected us when that's what we needed, too. He gave anything he had to anyone who had a need and he never wanted anything for himself. He literally laid down his life for us and for his friends. God had once promised me that He would give me a man like King David, a man "after God's own heart". And He did. Tom was a man who sought to follow the example of his heavenly Father, and of Jesus who laid down His life for him. And, he gave me the one thing I wanted more than anything in this life, a home and a family. 

19th Anniversary Flowers 

And so, today, even though I miss him terribly and still have a huge, empty hole in my life ... even though I feel as if that cord of three strands is missing one of the strands and I'm left hanging onto the "third" strand with every ounce of strength I've got left ... I celebrate Tom and the years that God gave us together! I am so thankful that, even though I have suffered loss, I was blessed to have known the love of this man. I am blessed to be the step-mother and mother of his children, and now the step-grandma of his two precious granddaughters. I am blessed to continue to live in the home he provided for us. I am so blessed to have been given so much time with him, to have learned so much from him, and to have been his wife until the Lord took him home on March 12, 2011.

Today is also a "milestone" of a different kind. Today, the oldest of our two sons, Tim, began his first day of college! I'm so proud of him! He is so much like his father in so many ways, and as he walked out the front door this morning, he was carrying his school laptop in the computer bag I had bought new for his dad not long ago; and he was heading out to learn "automated systems and robotics", something he saw many times in operation when he would go to work with his dad over the years. Our little boy who used to love to do "electricity" projects with his dad as a preschooler, and who has always loved electronics in any application, has become a young man who is reaping what his dad sowed into his life for almost 18 years! It's so appropriate that his first day of college is the same as our anniversary.  And, so, my blessings are multiplied, and I have two important milestones to celebrate today!