I Give Up!

You must, You must think I'm strong

To give me what I'm going through

Well, forgive me, forgive me if I'm wrong

But this looks like more than I can do on my own

I've said it many times ... "I give up!" Usually it is something that erupts from me when I am the most overwhelmed/frustrated/discouraged. It comes up from the bottom of the pit of me. When I've done/said/tried everything I know and nothing "works". 

I know I'm not strong enough to be

Everything that I'm suppose to be

I give up, I'm not strong enough

Sometimes, I even mean it. Usually, though, I "pick myself up" and try some more/harder/again ... only to find myself in another situation that feels the same (only the names and details have changed). That's when I might truly, give up.

Well maybe, maybe that's the point

To reach the point of giving up

'Cause when I'm finally, finally at rock bottom

Well, that's when I start looking up and reaching out

Actually give it UP to the Lord and realize that I CAN'T do it alone. That He has to do it for and in me or it isn't going to happen. That being "in control" is a lie ... I'm not in control of anything, except my own choice to believe that when I am weak, He is strong. 

'Cause I'm broken down to nothing

But I'm still holding on to the one thing

You are God and Your are strong

When I am weak.

I'm not strong. He is. I don't have to be because He is. He doesn't ask me to be. He is me strength. He has given me His strength. He will be strong for me; on my behalf.

I can do all things

Through Christ who gives me strength

And I don't have to be strong enough

Strong enough

In the past couple of weeks, I've been struggling. Struggling with depression. Loneliness. Overwhelming responsibilities. Parenting two teenage boys (oops! Excuse me! "young men") alone. I've found myself in the pit of despair. I've caught myself breathing those words - "I give up! I can't do this alone!" I've cried myself to sleep and stood with water pouring over me washing away my tears and my whispered sobs "God, please help me! I can't do this! Show me a way! Your way!"

Hands of mercy, won't You cover me?

Lord, right now I'm asking You to be

Strong enough, strong enough

Strong enough

- Lyrics from: 

Strong Enough

Matthew West

Markers and Milestones

For some time now I've been contemplating numbers and their significance in our lives as "milestones" and "markers". Our lives in this world are lived on a timeline and numbers are how we organize our present, our past and our future. Ask a woman who is counting down the days until her approaching wedding day ... or the birth of a baby. Look at a scrapbook filled with memories of the "milestones" of life.  We tend to use different terminology when referring to different kinds of significant moments or days in our lives. Is there a difference between a "milestone" or a "marker"? We celebrate "milestones". Birthdays, weddings, first days of school, graduations, significant accomplishments. But I'm beginning to think that we "mark" anticipation or loss, and each "step" closer to or farther away from such events. 

September 7, 1991

Today is a "milestone" day.  Twenty years ago today, Tom and I stood with his two children, my sister and his bothers, my niece and nephew, and numerous family and friends and pledged our love and our lives to each other. We spoke the vows we had each written for the other before his brother-in-law pronounced us "man and wife". We rejoiced that God had joined us together and we stood on His word that "a cord of three strands is not easily broken". We knew that we were not just two being bound together, but were being joined together with His Spirit and that would hold us together and see us through. We looked forward to spending the rest of our lives together. There were those who knew us well, who didn't think it would last. We were committed until "death do us part". The word "divorce" was not an option. I looked forward to this "milestone" ... 20 years ... it would say "God is faithful".  

And He is. Even though we didn't make it to this day together. God was faithful. He gave me a faithful man. He was committed to his Lord, and he was committed to me and to his family. He loved us and he showed it in every thing he did. He served us, he provided for us, he encouraged us when we needed it, and he rebuked, disciplined and corrected us when that's what we needed, too. He gave anything he had to anyone who had a need and he never wanted anything for himself. He literally laid down his life for us and for his friends. God had once promised me that He would give me a man like King David, a man "after God's own heart". And He did. Tom was a man who sought to follow the example of his heavenly Father, and of Jesus who laid down His life for him. And, he gave me the one thing I wanted more than anything in this life, a home and a family. 

19th Anniversary Flowers 

And so, today, even though I miss him terribly and still have a huge, empty hole in my life ... even though I feel as if that cord of three strands is missing one of the strands and I'm left hanging onto the "third" strand with every ounce of strength I've got left ... I celebrate Tom and the years that God gave us together! I am so thankful that, even though I have suffered loss, I was blessed to have known the love of this man. I am blessed to be the step-mother and mother of his children, and now the step-grandma of his two precious granddaughters. I am blessed to continue to live in the home he provided for us. I am so blessed to have been given so much time with him, to have learned so much from him, and to have been his wife until the Lord took him home on March 12, 2011.

Today is also a "milestone" of a different kind. Today, the oldest of our two sons, Tim, began his first day of college! I'm so proud of him! He is so much like his father in so many ways, and as he walked out the front door this morning, he was carrying his school laptop in the computer bag I had bought new for his dad not long ago; and he was heading out to learn "automated systems and robotics", something he saw many times in operation when he would go to work with his dad over the years. Our little boy who used to love to do "electricity" projects with his dad as a preschooler, and who has always loved electronics in any application, has become a young man who is reaping what his dad sowed into his life for almost 18 years! It's so appropriate that his first day of college is the same as our anniversary.  And, so, my blessings are multiplied, and I have two important milestones to celebrate today! 

Thankful to be looking up

When you find yourself in the bottom of a pit, as I have this past week, you only have two choices. You can get comfortable there and just stew in the "muck", or you can look up and start climbing! As for me, I've spent enough time in my life "mucking around" in the bottom of these pits. I know that the longer I allow myself to stay there, the more it begins to feel comfortable and the harder it is to see that there is any way out! So, today, I choose to look up! "I lift up my eyes to the mountains - where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." (Psalm 121:1-2) 

Author and speaker, Ann Voskamp, has learned the value of recognizing all of the "little" gifts that God gives us in our ordinary, everyday lives and being thankful. I'm reading her book: One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are.  Sometimes, especially when we're in the pit, we are so busy looking at all that is wrong ... lacking ... failing, that we forget to look at what is right and good.  "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." (Philippians 4:8)  I've started my own list of "One Thousand Gifts".  It didn't grow much in the past week, but I added a few today, among them: 

• Seeing "the Sparkle" on my bed. (Someday, I'll tell you about the special meaning of "the Sparkle")
• Autumn's cool breezes
• The color yellow                
• Christian music and radio
• Praying friends

I am so thankful today for all of the gifts God has given me!  

Oh, and by the way, if you'd like to hear this amazing woman live in an on-line webcast - 'Say Yes to God' - tomorrow evening (7 PM EST, or 8PM CST), along with another amazing woman, Lysa Terkeurst of Proverbs 31 Ministries, go here to read about it and I'll meet you there, too!

Have a blessed Labor Day! 

~ Jan

How Do I Climb Out of This Pit?

I have looked at my last post too many times over the last 5 weeks. I've spent hours thinking about writing something new. I've had so many thoughts running through my head some days and other days ... nothing. For the past week, I've been steadily sliding downward into a pit of ... depression? Grief? Despair? I keep thinking that it's been almost 6 months since Tom died; I should be feeling better, not worse. And I'm afraid of this place I'm finding myself going continually deeper into. My mother suffered from depression for years. I've been in serious depression a few times, and mild depression more times than I can recount. I know I have to go through all of the dark valleys of grief, but the lines between grief and depression are blurry right now.  I've been taking medicine to combat depression since learning that Tom had a brain tumor last October. So, why, now, when things should be getting better, do I find myself feeling the most pain, loneliness, and helplessness that I've yet encountered?  What if I can't get out of this pit again ... ever?

I cried last night.  It's the first time I've cried in a long time.  I cried myself to sleep. I've been wiping tears away and swallowing lumps in my throat all morning. For the first time, I really don't care if I get dressed today or not.  I don't care if my bed doesn't get made. I forced myself to eat the only food that appeals to me at all - cereal - this morning only because my stomach hurts almost as much as my head does. 

My youngest son is rejecting me, telling me to go away from him. His first words to me this morning were "I'm ignoring you." When I ask him "why?, did I do something to deserve this treatment?" he just walks away without a word. My heart feels like raw meat that someone keeps stabbing or pounding on.

The minutes of my life tick by slowly as the memories rush past me and through me and overflow me with loneliness and leave me feeling empty and hopeless. And I'm back to being that little girl who had to be the "big girl" and desperately wanting to be taken care of again.  Tom took care of me. He comforted me. Encouraged me. Believed in me. He taught me to believe in myself. How I miss him!   

I know there are people who understand. Women who have walked this road before me, or are walking it right now themselves. Like my new online friend, Cindy Cain. This morning, I was reading her blog posts from the first months after her husband passed away. She was online on Facebook, and I put up the chat window several times (as well as the comment boxes on her posts), but I just stared at the windows, not knowing what I could say to her. I know there are people who want to help. What can anyone do? No one can give me my husband back. I don't want to feel this intense loneliness, but I feel like I can't talk to anyone right now. 

I know that God is my husband now. I know His promises are there for me. Right now, I have to just stand on that truth alone in the darkness, because I can't move from this spot and I can't see anything but the darkness.

So why am I writing this at all? There's no encouragement coming from me; I know.  Maybe it's just because I can't answer that question any other way right now. (You know - "how are you doing?") The truth is: not very well. Please pray for me.

Abide

"And in the midst of trying to help each of them achieve their level of independence while desperately wanting to cling rather than let go, I find that I, too, need to go through that whole nasty process of self-identification all over again!"

Ever since I posted those words at the end of my last blog, "Thirteen ... Eighteen ... Widowed", it's been (Holy Spirit)-bugging me! No, I DON'T! The whole idea of "finding myself" or "self-identification" is flawed in its concept. We never have to "figure out who I am" at all –not at thirteen, not at eighteen, not NOW! God's “divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him” (2 Peter 1:3). His word tells me who I am (His child), my value (completely, eternally, loved) and my purpose in life (to know Him and love Him)! Sounds too simplistic, doesn’t it? That’s where we miss “getting the message” … we get caught up in the details. We want to know “but what do I DO with my life? How do I pay my bills? How do I know where to live? … go to school? …work? … and on and on. How is my life to have meaning? How am I to be productive? Even as I write these words, He is answering me … “abide”. That is all He asks of me, of any of us. Abide in Him.

The word “abide” is a word we don’t use much these days. When I went looking for the scriptures that I knew used the word “abide” I kept coming up with “no results”. Even when I tried using the concordance in my NIV bible, the word “abide” was not there! But the Holy Spirit had clearly said “abide”! One of the problems of “growing up” as a Christian with at least three different translations of the Bible is that I never know what version I memorized something in and therefore, don’t know where to look when the Holy Spirit brings the Word to mind … it can be very puzzling and frustrating! In this case, the word “abide” is used in the KJV and translated “remain” in the NIV.

In the gospel of John, chapter 15, verses 1 – 17, Jesus tells his disciples that He is the vine, we are the branches and God, the Father, is the gardener. If we remain (abide) in Him, He will remain (abide) in us, and we will bear much fruit (be productive)! But if we do not abide in Him (if we strive to live life apart from him), the “gardener” will cut us off and discard us as so much dead wood! Those of you who garden know that a plant produces much more “fruit” if you remove what is dead so that the “life” of the plant is not sapped by trying to revive the dead thing and goes into producing new growth.

Earlier this summer I had some landscaping done. A “dead” corner outside my front door was given new life by removing a nasty scrub tree and creating a triangular planting area with my existing shrubs and adding 7 shrub roses, some grasses, and a few boulders. The shrub roses bloomed profusely in the first weeks but a few weeks later had only “spent” blooms with few new blooms. The landscapers who had installed them came back to finish some driveway work, and one of them took the time to show me that I needed to “dead-head” the roses for them to continue to bloom well. I did that at once, and within a couple of days, my roses were beautiful and covered with new blooms again! In the weeks since, it’s been too hot or too wet to get out there and tend to the roses. I let them go. Again, there are very few new blooms and a lot of spent blossoms. Yesterday I spent several hours getting sunburned “dead-heading” them again.

It occurs to me that our spiritual lives are a lot like those rose bushes. When we are “bearing much fruit” (everything looks beautiful and productive), we tend to forget the need to continue to tend to our relationship with the Lord. We’re too busy! And then things get “too hot” – troubles come, life gets complicated – and again, we don’t have time for the Lord. Or it is too “rainy” – doesn’t it seem that when one thing goes wrong, everything goes wrong at the same time? Only when the Master Gardener steps in and starts “cutting off” the things that are “dead works”, does life and fruitfulness begin to return. I am so thankful that He continues pruning and promoting growth even when we are unfaithful or distracted.

This blog has drifted so far away from my original intention: to share the truth that God has already defined who I am and my purpose in life, and all I really need to do is abide in him and He who began a good work in me will also complete it!

For a list of some of the things God has said about me, my life, you and yours, please read this wonderful blog: Measuring Up by Renee Swope of Proverbs 31 Ministries!

Thirteen ... Eighteen ... Widowed ...

Thirteen. We all remember being 13 ... and every one of us has said it many times - "I wouldn't be thirteen again for ANYTHING!" Right? I remember being 13. Trying to figure out who I was ... who I wanted to be ... What was special about me? Did anyone like me? What did it take to be "popular"? Did I have what it takes? Did I want to have "it"? Up one day ... down the next. Confident and scared to death all at the same time. Life was a roller-coaster and the future a mist that I couldn't see through. Do you remember? I do. I have a 13-yr old son who is living it now.

Eighteen. A high school graduate. An "adult". On my own. Having to support myself and make all my own decisions for the first time. Needing to move "forward", but not having the foggiest idea what direction to go. So many directions, so many choices, so many possibilities. Feeling very small and unprepared in a great big grown up world. Wanting to "live my own life" ... determine my own future ... have my own home ... have my own family ... "do it my way" (which I was sure would be the right way). Having a lot of ideas and ideals, and only a vague plan as to how to achieve them and no plan as to how to finance them ... Can you relate? My 18-yr old son can, I think. He's there now. I can certainly relate to him!

Widowed. Suddenly I'm 13 again. And 18 again. Everything that defines who I am, my purpose in life and my future has changed. Maybe if my kids were little and I could hang onto them and throw myself into being "mom" and defining their lives it would be different. Maybe if they were bot h grown adults and on their own living independent lives that I was no longer responsible for and Tom and I had retired and survived an "empty nest" and defined our later years together ... would it be different? But one just turned 13 and is barreling ahead insisting on living his own life while still wanting everything done for him and handed to him without any effort on his part ... and the other just turned 18 and graduated and really wants to pull away and get out on his own and have his own place and, yes, live his own life too. And in the midst of trying to help each of them achieve their level of independence while desperately wanting to cling rather than let go, I find that I, too, need to go through that whole nasty process of self-identification all over again!

Be still, there is a healer

His love is deeper than the sea

His mercy, it is unfailing

His arms, a fortress for the weak

Recently, I woke up slowly with the realization that the chorus of a song was repeating in my sleep: "Let faith arise, let faith arise, open my eyes, open my eyes". While I was sure that the song was familiar to me, I couldn't figure out what song it was. I thought it might be one of the last few songs I had downloaded into the music player in my phone so I quickly checked those and found that it wasn't any of them. Then life got busy and I forgot about it.

I lift my hands to believe again

You are my refuge, You are my strength

As I pour out my heart, these things I remember

You are faithful, God, forever

In the midst of my daily array of thoughts, feelings and busyness, I have been realizing that those words sung in my sleep were beginning to be manifested in my spirit. I began to realize that there was a renewed yearning for relationship with the Holy Spirit and a growing re-commitment to seeking Him and trusting Him as the Source of all in my life

Be still, there is a river

That flows from Calvary's tree

A fountain for the thirsty

Pure grace that washes over me

This morning, I had the radio tuned to my favorite Christian station and running in the background as I was sitting on the porch and being "busy". Suddenly my attention focused on the fact that I was hearing those words again ... "Let faith arise, open my eyes...". Phone apps can be very convenient and helpful for spur of the moment needs! I opened up my "Soundhound" app and let it listen. It is the song "I lift My Hands" by Chris Tomlin.

Let faith arise

Let faith arise

I am so thankful that even in my weakness and unfaithfulness ... His is faithful forever!