Today is the First Day of Spring. I woke up this morning to the sound of the male cardinal's call outside my bedroom window. My next thought was "it's over". My beloved husband went to be with the Lord a week ago - just after midnight on March 12th. We had his Memorial Service yesterday. Today, I stand at the crossroads of my life. I can't go back, and that hurts. I can't go forward, yet. There's so much to be "done" - notifications, thank you's, going through his clothes and possessions - but, today, there's just immobility. I feel frozen in time and space. I wander around my house, moving things from one location to another, and then move them again. I still feel like he's coming back any minute. I see his face and feel his presence and I miss him so much ... I'm so lost without him! Who am I now? Where am I going? What am I going to do? How can I continue the future of our family without him? I can't see through my tears... No, I can't move from here. I just stand and turn around in circles, looking back ... looking forward ... and every direction in between. I have to go on. My children need me to go on. I have to lead them now. I have to define our life now. What would Tom tell me now? Somehow, I need to remember his heart for us, his direction.
I know I am not "alone". God has been there for me, for us, and He will continue to carry us, and lead us in the plans He has for us. That's what Tom would tell me now ... follow the Lord. And that's what I will do.