Abide

"And in the midst of trying to help each of them achieve their level of independence while desperately wanting to cling rather than let go, I find that I, too, need to go through that whole nasty process of self-identification all over again!"

Ever since I posted those words at the end of my last blog, "Thirteen ... Eighteen ... Widowed", it's been (Holy Spirit)-bugging me! No, I DON'T! The whole idea of "finding myself" or "self-identification" is flawed in its concept. We never have to "figure out who I am" at all –not at thirteen, not at eighteen, not NOW! God's “divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him” (2 Peter 1:3). His word tells me who I am (His child), my value (completely, eternally, loved) and my purpose in life (to know Him and love Him)! Sounds too simplistic, doesn’t it? That’s where we miss “getting the message” … we get caught up in the details. We want to know “but what do I DO with my life? How do I pay my bills? How do I know where to live? … go to school? …work? … and on and on. How is my life to have meaning? How am I to be productive? Even as I write these words, He is answering me … “abide”. That is all He asks of me, of any of us. Abide in Him.

The word “abide” is a word we don’t use much these days. When I went looking for the scriptures that I knew used the word “abide” I kept coming up with “no results”. Even when I tried using the concordance in my NIV bible, the word “abide” was not there! But the Holy Spirit had clearly said “abide”! One of the problems of “growing up” as a Christian with at least three different translations of the Bible is that I never know what version I memorized something in and therefore, don’t know where to look when the Holy Spirit brings the Word to mind … it can be very puzzling and frustrating! In this case, the word “abide” is used in the KJV and translated “remain” in the NIV.

In the gospel of John, chapter 15, verses 1 – 17, Jesus tells his disciples that He is the vine, we are the branches and God, the Father, is the gardener. If we remain (abide) in Him, He will remain (abide) in us, and we will bear much fruit (be productive)! But if we do not abide in Him (if we strive to live life apart from him), the “gardener” will cut us off and discard us as so much dead wood! Those of you who garden know that a plant produces much more “fruit” if you remove what is dead so that the “life” of the plant is not sapped by trying to revive the dead thing and goes into producing new growth.

Earlier this summer I had some landscaping done. A “dead” corner outside my front door was given new life by removing a nasty scrub tree and creating a triangular planting area with my existing shrubs and adding 7 shrub roses, some grasses, and a few boulders. The shrub roses bloomed profusely in the first weeks but a few weeks later had only “spent” blooms with few new blooms. The landscapers who had installed them came back to finish some driveway work, and one of them took the time to show me that I needed to “dead-head” the roses for them to continue to bloom well. I did that at once, and within a couple of days, my roses were beautiful and covered with new blooms again! In the weeks since, it’s been too hot or too wet to get out there and tend to the roses. I let them go. Again, there are very few new blooms and a lot of spent blossoms. Yesterday I spent several hours getting sunburned “dead-heading” them again.

It occurs to me that our spiritual lives are a lot like those rose bushes. When we are “bearing much fruit” (everything looks beautiful and productive), we tend to forget the need to continue to tend to our relationship with the Lord. We’re too busy! And then things get “too hot” – troubles come, life gets complicated – and again, we don’t have time for the Lord. Or it is too “rainy” – doesn’t it seem that when one thing goes wrong, everything goes wrong at the same time? Only when the Master Gardener steps in and starts “cutting off” the things that are “dead works”, does life and fruitfulness begin to return. I am so thankful that He continues pruning and promoting growth even when we are unfaithful or distracted.

This blog has drifted so far away from my original intention: to share the truth that God has already defined who I am and my purpose in life, and all I really need to do is abide in him and He who began a good work in me will also complete it!

For a list of some of the things God has said about me, my life, you and yours, please read this wonderful blog: Measuring Up by Renee Swope of Proverbs 31 Ministries!

Thirteen ... Eighteen ... Widowed ...

Thirteen. We all remember being 13 ... and every one of us has said it many times - "I wouldn't be thirteen again for ANYTHING!" Right? I remember being 13. Trying to figure out who I was ... who I wanted to be ... What was special about me? Did anyone like me? What did it take to be "popular"? Did I have what it takes? Did I want to have "it"? Up one day ... down the next. Confident and scared to death all at the same time. Life was a roller-coaster and the future a mist that I couldn't see through. Do you remember? I do. I have a 13-yr old son who is living it now.

Eighteen. A high school graduate. An "adult". On my own. Having to support myself and make all my own decisions for the first time. Needing to move "forward", but not having the foggiest idea what direction to go. So many directions, so many choices, so many possibilities. Feeling very small and unprepared in a great big grown up world. Wanting to "live my own life" ... determine my own future ... have my own home ... have my own family ... "do it my way" (which I was sure would be the right way). Having a lot of ideas and ideals, and only a vague plan as to how to achieve them and no plan as to how to finance them ... Can you relate? My 18-yr old son can, I think. He's there now. I can certainly relate to him!

Widowed. Suddenly I'm 13 again. And 18 again. Everything that defines who I am, my purpose in life and my future has changed. Maybe if my kids were little and I could hang onto them and throw myself into being "mom" and defining their lives it would be different. Maybe if they were bot h grown adults and on their own living independent lives that I was no longer responsible for and Tom and I had retired and survived an "empty nest" and defined our later years together ... would it be different? But one just turned 13 and is barreling ahead insisting on living his own life while still wanting everything done for him and handed to him without any effort on his part ... and the other just turned 18 and graduated and really wants to pull away and get out on his own and have his own place and, yes, live his own life too. And in the midst of trying to help each of them achieve their level of independence while desperately wanting to cling rather than let go, I find that I, too, need to go through that whole nasty process of self-identification all over again!

Be still, there is a healer

His love is deeper than the sea

His mercy, it is unfailing

His arms, a fortress for the weak

Recently, I woke up slowly with the realization that the chorus of a song was repeating in my sleep: "Let faith arise, let faith arise, open my eyes, open my eyes". While I was sure that the song was familiar to me, I couldn't figure out what song it was. I thought it might be one of the last few songs I had downloaded into the music player in my phone so I quickly checked those and found that it wasn't any of them. Then life got busy and I forgot about it.

I lift my hands to believe again

You are my refuge, You are my strength

As I pour out my heart, these things I remember

You are faithful, God, forever

In the midst of my daily array of thoughts, feelings and busyness, I have been realizing that those words sung in my sleep were beginning to be manifested in my spirit. I began to realize that there was a renewed yearning for relationship with the Holy Spirit and a growing re-commitment to seeking Him and trusting Him as the Source of all in my life

Be still, there is a river

That flows from Calvary's tree

A fountain for the thirsty

Pure grace that washes over me

This morning, I had the radio tuned to my favorite Christian station and running in the background as I was sitting on the porch and being "busy". Suddenly my attention focused on the fact that I was hearing those words again ... "Let faith arise, open my eyes...". Phone apps can be very convenient and helpful for spur of the moment needs! I opened up my "Soundhound" app and let it listen. It is the song "I lift My Hands" by Chris Tomlin.

Let faith arise

Let faith arise

I am so thankful that even in my weakness and unfaithfulness ... His is faithful forever!

Father's Day

Today is Father's Day. It is Sunday. Service started at my church about 20 minutes ago. I am not there. I feel guilty. I feel like this is just one more area of life that I'm losing control over. At 1:30 AM, our dog stuck her nose in my face and woke me up. The last time she did that, I took it as an act of God to get me up. This time it was just frustrating and annoying. Why did she have to go out at that hour? As I walked through the house to the front door to put her out, I realized the kitchen smelled like food - recently cooked food. Coming back in, I saw the dirty dishes on the counter and sugar crystals left there by my (other)"sugar-hound's ice cream snack. One was still awake with lights on, the other in a dark room that smelled strongly of gum - lots of gum! After cleaning the kitchen, bringing the dog back in, telling the one to go to sleep and checking on the other, I found it difficult to fall back to sleep.

Is is just a sign of this phase in my kids' lives that they stay up half the night, sleep half the day, eat in their rooms and don't help with much of anything to keep the household going? Or is it a sign of how we are all pulling apart from one another and into ourselves? Probably some of both. But I feel like I'm losing all definition of "family" and all control over myself and my household.

I don't know how long I laid there. The next time I woke up and checked the clock it was 6AM. Too early to get up. I didn't want to get up. I wanted to sleep ... and dream. Back to sleep. Back to dreaming. I almost never can remember my dreams, and rarely even have the sense that I've been dreaming at all. The last few days, I'm sure that I've been dreaming ... life dreams full of people and activity and emotion ... but still can't remember any part of it. When I wake up and move through the day, though, I have the feeling that my "real" life was more "real" in my dreams, and that my waking "life" is really a "dream". Anyway, I fell back to sleep and dreaming.

The next time I woke up, it was after 9AM! Church starts at 10:00. Not enough time to get done all of the things I needed to to get my household "up" and running for the day, get myself and my youngest ready to leave and drive the 30 minute drive to church. Decision time. I could have made it (albeit a little late, as usual) by throwing clothes on, leaving all the morning "routine" for after church, and with a lot of pushing and dragging. But at least we'd be there (we won't be the next 2 or more Sundays anyway). Tom would have gone. He would have wanted us to go. I feel like we're all losing our commitment and self-discipline in our relationship with the Lord and our church families. Everyone has given so much to help and support us, I don't want to seem ungrateful. Then I remembered that it was also Father's Day.

There would most likely be a lot of talk on the radio in the car on the way to church about it. I'm sure there would be some "honoring" of the fathers present in church. Families would be together and celebrating their fathers. And my kids would be continually reminded that their father was not here today. Their father will never be here again. We haven't talked about it. I realized that I have the same feeling that I have when it is another holiday that we don't celebrate ... I want to just lay low, stay home and wait for it to pass. It hurts right now to think about how this day would have been (should have been) different!

I didn't wake my sons up. We didn't go to church. I'm sorry. We miss you terribly, honey! We wish you were here so we could say "Happy Father's Day! We love you!"

Oh no, You Never Let Go - Even through the "firsts"

I woke up at 3 AM today with the chorus of a song repeating over and over in my mind:

Oh no, You never let go

Through the calm and through the storm

Oh no, You never let go

In every high and every low

Oh no, You never let go

Lord, You never let go of me

(You Never Let Go by Matt Redman)

This doesn't happen to me very often and I wondered why this song, and why now. Immediately, the answer came to me. This song is so significant to my online friends, Maria and Cody, and to the sweet little daughter, Susana, that they lost to brain cancer just as Tom went into hospice. I prayed for Maria and Cody and their family.

I was wide awake. I realized that this was probably the first time since Tom was diagnosed with his brain tumor that I had woken up in the night with enough peace in my life to feel how alone I was. That thought made me think about Leah (another online friend), whose post about all the "firsts" that she was experiencing since the death of her husband in early May had been the last thing I'd read before dropping off to sleep in exhaustion. I've been through so many "firsts" in the past 3 months since Tom's death ... including his "first" birthday without him (he would have been 60 on June 6th), just two days ago. Three of his four children have had their first birthdays without their dad; so have I. Our first child graduated without his dad, and I held my first graduation party without my husband. Soon, we will take our first "family" vacation without him there, too. Yes, Leah, there will be many firsts. I prayed for Leah, too.

And through the time I was awake, I realized that I was not alone. I haven't really felt alone. I've had people around me and helping me through everything. A lot of people. So much so, that, at times, I longed to be alone. I'm actually looking forward to things slowing down a bit now so that I can spend some time alone. But there is definitely a difference between being "alone" and being "lonely". While I want time "alone", the feeling of "loneliness" is where I miss Tom. I miss his presence. I miss being able to talk with him. I miss being able to share life with him. I miss his wisdom, his stability, his optimism. I miss the way he always came alongside of me and helped me with the mundane and the demanding tasks of life. I miss dreaming with him. I wish I could sit on my newly remodeled porch and enjoy our newly landscaped yard and the quiet beauty of this first day of summer vacation with him. I wish he could be seeing the irises bloom and the first Peony open! I wish we could be looking forward to his retirement and our first years together after the children are all grown. Yes, I'm lonely. I'm lonely for him. This is when I feel sad and my heart is heavy. This is the work of mourning.

It will soon be the 3 month anniversary of Tom's death. Occasionally, people will say to me something like "Oh, that's right. You're still mourning." Like they forgot, or I should be over it by now. In some ways, I feel like I haven't had time to begin mourning; I don't think it will be over soon.

Yes, I can see a light that is coming

For the heart that holds on

And there will be an end to these troubles

But until that day comes

Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

Dominoes

For those of you who are used to hearing from me through frequent posts on CaringBridge and now hoping to be able to keep up on what is happening with our family through this blog - I apologize for only posting a few new updates here over the past months. As I was thinking about everything this morning, I realized how much of life is like dominoes - at least my life is. It's been 2-1/2 months since Tom died, and I've had one event fall into the next in rapid succession ever since. I knew in advance that it would play out this way, but that hasn't made it any easier. As I was trying to prepare myself for the inevitability of his death, I was trying equally hard to find a way to celebrate the important life events that were to follow immediately after. Those of my readers who are closest to us will be familiar with the sequence, but for those of you a little more distanced, let me explain how the "dominoes" of our life have been lined up.

Tom died on March 12th. One week later, we had his Memorial Service. The following week, our youngest son, Peter, turned 13! Finally an official "teenager" - a momentous occasion in his life and one I wanted to make special and significant. Less than two weeks after that, I had my first birthday without my husband here to make it special. 10 days after my birthday, our son, Tim, turned 18! Another huge milestone in our children's lives, and so much anticipated in his - again - I wanted to make it a day where he was celebrated. Twelve days after his birthday, Tim had his Senior Prom; it was hard to help him prepare and celebrate with him without his dad. Then there was Mother's Day. Tom always went out of his way to honor me as the mother of his children and to make it a special day for me. This year, Matt & Melissa sent me beautiful flowers and Peter used some of the money he earned by selling his toys to a friend to buy me a very nice candle holder, but the actual experience of the day was hard. I tried to get the worst part of the yard cleaned up, mowed, raked, etc. before it rained again. In the process, our lawn tractor broke down (again) and we all ended up in the yard in the rain yelling at one another and crying and just having a general family "melt-down". It wasn't pretty. This past Monday, Tom's oldest son, Matthew celebrated his birthday - I know his dad would have called him first thing in the morning to sing "Happy Birthday" to him over the phone. I didn't. I could only message him birthday wishes on Facebook. Today, Tim will graduate high school. It's been a difficult 2 years for him as he transitioned from home school to his charter high school. Getting through the past 8 months since his father's diagnosis with brain cancer, has made it incredible that he's even going to "walk" up there tonight to receive that diploma! It may not be with "highest honors", but I give him my "highest honors"! I'm so proud of him and the young man he is becoming. But it will be hard to be there without his dad by my side.

A week from Sunday, we will have his graduation party at our home. I have been trying to have some huge repair, updating and remodeling done on the house and driveway in preparation for this event. So much of it has depended on us having dry weather - something that has not happened. Instead we've had record rainfalls and my clay driveway and yard are saturated, soft, and there is a lot of standing water. The city has imposed road restrictions on our gravel access roads so that the heavy cement and gravel trucks are unable to use them to deliver the materials. Somehow, we got the first load of cement in here unaware of the existing restriction, but could not get the second load or the gravel for the rest of the driveway. As of yesterday, the city doesn't intend to remove the restriction until after June 5th - the day of Tim's party! So, we are going ahead with our plans for the graduation party, but my dreams have been seriously tested and challenged and adjusted.

The day after Tim's graduation party would have been Tom's 60th birthday. Our family will be able to be together on that day, but I haven't been able to even think about how we will go about observing the day or remembering him. I want to begin something that will become our tradition to remember his birthday - I just don't know what that might be yet.

Three weeks after the graduation party, it will be our first Father's Day without Tom and we will be packing for our annual family vacation week at a camp in Northern Minnesota. We have been going there the same week every year for 10 years - half of the time Tom and I were married. It was the first question everyone asked when we first learned of Tom's cancer and the continual question from my kids as his illness progressed into hospice and finally his death - "will we still go to Camp Van Vac?" The answer was always - "yes". It was the one thing that we did for our family and the one thing we've all come to look forward to for many months before and talk about for months afterward. We will go. It will be the first time since Tom's death that we will be able to be just "us" in a place he loved and remember our many times together with him there. I know it will be "bittersweet".

At the end of our week of vacation, Stacy is expecting our second grandchild. We will probably come home, unpack and repack to visit her and her family and celebrate this joyous event! She has been so excited being the mommy of Charlotte and now this new baby - and we have not been able to be there for her in the way or to the degree that I would have wanted to be. So many important life events in so many people's lives. So many heartbreaking events in the lives of people I care about. I would have wanted to celebrate and anticipate and comfort and support them, too, if only I could have. I know everyone "understands", but I continue to feel that life is passing by so quickly, and I will never have these moments again to do over. More "dreams" that have died. More losses. If you have felt neglected, or forgotten by us, please forgive us. We have not forgotten you and your struggles and your celebrations. My thoughts and prayers have been with you and for you, too!

Once we are through all of this, it will be time to be looking ahead to a new school year. Peter will be changing schools and starting at the same school that Tim is graduating from. They are adding middle school grades in the fall, and he will be able to go there a year earlier than we had planned on. But, because it is out of our district for bussing, I will have to transport him both ways every day until he starts driving - 3 years from now! I will also have to be working and earning an income starting about the same time. I have not been a part of the "work force" for over 20 years, and in a tough economy, I don't know how that will work out. I have had the thought that I might be able to work for the school that he will be attending, as they are expanding, and would probably need additional support staff, but I've been too busy to check it out - until yesterday.

I called the school office yesterday to see if they might be looking to hire for the next school year. I was surprised to learn that they are currently advertising for two positions and I need to apply quickly. Please be in prayer for me in this as this would really be the best "fit" for Peter and I for the next 5 years!

Needless to say, we haven't had much time to "process" our loss and our grief. Also needless to say is that we are dealing every minute of every day with the emotional, spiritual and practical backwash of Tom's illness and death. One thing is important to say, though. We have continued to have an outpouring of love and support, both emotionally and practically, from so many people as we struggle to hold it all together and keep moving forward. So many times we've been at a breaking point, only to have someone step into the darkness and encourage us and give us a hand up out of the mire! For this I will be eternally grateful and I know you will be rewarded by the Lord!

So, it's time to move on today, and see where this domino falls! I'm so thankful that my God and Father knows the plans He has for me and assures me that they are not to harm me but are for my good - to give me a hope and a future!

The Redeemer

When I have so much emotion going on, so much to do and so little time and energy for any of it, why should I "reinvent the wheel"? I'm finding my heart's cry published already in so many songs like this one:

THE REDEEMER

Sometimes I just wanna start over

'Cause everything looks like a wreck

And I need the courage to carry on

'Cause I can't see what's ahead

And there are places I've wished I could be

Battles I've wanted to win

Dreams that have slipped through my hands

I may never get back again

But I'm still a dreamer, a believer

Oh, I lost my faith in so many things

But I still believe in You

'Cause You can make anything new

Sometimes I just wish we could say

All the things that are easy to hear

Ignore the injustice we see

And explain every unanswered prayer

But I'd rather speak honestly

And wear a tattered heart on my sleeve

'Cause in the middle of my broken dreams

Redemption is here

And I'm still a dreamer, a believer

Oh, I lost my faith in so many things

But I still believe in You

'Cause You are the answer, the Redeemer

Oh, I've given up on to many things

But I'm not giving up on You

'Cause You can make anything new

I don't have every answer in life

But I'm trusting You on day at a time

'Cause You can make a weak heart stay alive

Forever

And this is where heaven and earth collide

I lift my hands, I give my life

This is how my weary heart stays alive

Oh, I'm still a dreamer, still a believer

And You are the answer, the Redeemer

'Cause You can make anything new

Yeah, You can make anything new

(Sanctus Real, Pieces of a Broken Heart)